Five Strategies That Actually Help
If you're reading this, you're probably somewhere in the thick of it. Maybe the shock has just hit you, or maybe it’s been dragging on for months.
Either way, you’re not alone, and you are definitely not broken.
Anxiety and depression during separation or divorce aren't signs that you’re not coping. They're signs that you're human. You’re navigating the loss of a shared future, the unravelling of your identity as a couple, and a thousand tiny daily reminders that things are different now. Whether it was your decision to end the marriage or not, it is still painful, it still hurts.
As a family lawyer, I see this all the time, but more than that, I’m also a real person. and I’ve had my own fair share of “messy middle” moments. So what follows isn’t a list of tired self-care clichés. These are five carefully chosen strategies that can offer real relief, even when your mind is spinning and your heart feels like it’s dragging behind you.
1. Create a Mental “Drop Zone”
When you're overwhelmed, it can feel like your thoughts are all shouting at once. Legal worries. Money fears. “What if” scenarios. Regrets. Blame. Panic.
Here’s something I suggest to clients (and use myself): create a mental “drop zone.” This is a designated time and place where you allow yourself to worry (and overthink, if that’s what’s needed), intentionally.
Set a timer for 20 minutes a day (ideally earlier in the day, and definitely not right before bedtime). Use that time to journal, vent, cry, or scribble down every anxious thought that’s pestering you. When the timer goes off, you stop.
Why it helps: You’re training your brain to contain the chaos, instead of letting it run wild 24/7. It sounds simple, and that’s because it is, but it’s no less powerful for its simplicity. Clients tell me it creates just enough distance between them and the noise to breathe again.
2. Find a “Micro-Task” to Win At
Depression is a thief of energy and self-belief. It whispers that you’re failing at life, that you're not capable, and that you’ll never get through this, even though that it absolutely not the case.
That’s why it helps to intentionally win at something small. I'm not talking about putting something pointless on a list just to tick it off, I mean choosing one small task that gives you a tangible sense of completion.
Examples:
You’re handbag is a mess and you can never find your keys or your phone or a clean tissue and everything just keeps dropping to the bottom – take a few minutes to empty everything out, throw out those scruffy old tissues and empty sweet wrappers and only put back in what you need.
You’ve been meaning to tidy up your underwear drawer – just to it. And don’t let it turn into a mammoth try on session – just pick out the bras or the pants or the socks that you know you don’t like wearning because they are uncomfortable, off colour, don’t fit properly – whatever it is – give yourself 20 mins to just throw out that which no longer serves you.
Make your bed, slowly and mindfully. Pull back the quilt, plump up the pillows, straighten the bottom sheet, give everything a good shake and tuck it all back nice and tight… no just pulling the quilt up in haste today!
One small win reminds your nervous system that you can take action, and that the day isn’t lost. You may not always be able to control the big stuff, or your ex shoddy behaviour… but you can control whether you get into a neatly made bed or not!
3. Switch Your Inner Voice to “Best Friend” Mode
The way we talk to ourselves during separation is often brutal. Sometimes it’s what we believe of ourselves, but most often it’s what we’ve been told by the other party (either directly or indirectly) and we don’t always realise how deep these messages run.
“It’s my fault he/she cheated”
“I always mess things up.”
“No one else will want me now.”
Imagine if your best friend was going through a divorce. Would you say those things to him/her? Probably not.
Next time you catch your inner critic in full flow, pause and ask: “Would I say this to my best friend, if he/she were going through this?”
If the answer is no, try to rephrase it. You don’t need to go full-blown positivity parade. Just shift the tone to something kind and honest.
“I’m doing the best I can, and that’s enough for today.”
“This is hard—but I’m allowed to struggle without blaming myself.”
This tweak alone can reduce anxiety levels dramatically over time. Sometimes we need to just get out of our own way.
4. Anchor Your Day with One “Non-Negotiable”
When everything feels uncertain, establishing just one thing you do every single day—no matter what—can bring your nervous system a huge sense of relief.
Your anchor might be:
Having 5 minutes to yourself to enjoy a peaceful coffee before the day starts
Getting outside for a short walk, even if you’re crying while you do it
Calling a trusted friend or checking in with a support group
Playing a particular song when you wake up, or when you go to bed *
It’s not about doing all the wellness things. It’s about choosing one thing that grounds you. It doesn’t even matter what the thing is – a big thing, a little thing, the point is the consistence as that consistency says: “I’m still here. I’m looking after me.”
5. Limit Storytelling About the Future
Anxious thoughts often spin into catastrophic stories about what might happen, especially when your life feels like it’s on pause.
Try this: when you find yourself mentally time-travelling to the worst-case future, gently bring yourself back to this moment by saying: “That hasn’t happened, and it may never happen. It’s not a certainty.”
Then focus on what you know for sure today. That you are still here, and whatever is coming around the corner, you are not alone. Whatever you are going through right now will pass… it always does.
You don’t need to solve the whole future right now. You just need to stay close to what’s real—and that’s usually much safer and calmer than the stories our anxiety invents.
Final Thoughts
Divorce shakes the snow globe of your life. For a while, everything’s up in the air—and that alone is exhausting. But the snow will settle, it just takes a little time.
You don’t have to do this perfectly. You just have to keep showing up for yourself in small, steady ways.
And if you need a place to talk, cry, vent, or be reminded that you will get through this, our private members’ group is here for exactly that. You're not meant to do this alone.
Elaine Foster is a specialist lawyer with nearly 30 years of experience of working in family law. Elaine is the founder of Divorce Without Lawyers, an innovative resource for those wanting to take control of their legal fees without compromising their case.
Elaine also offers 1-to-1 consultations with clients via MacIntyre Law, a fully insured and regulated law firm in Milton Keynes. You can book a one-to-one consultation by clicking this link
* For those interested – when I need to ground myself with a daily dose of inner strength, I make myself a hot drink and play “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten, I find it massively empowering! You can listen to it here:
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